Your Guide To Buying A Game

Both Gamers new and old should all be aware of the correct procedure for buying a game from a shop (these were the common places for games purchasing before the internet). Game stores are, in theory, a paradise, a library dedicated to the pure wasting of time playing in made up worlds. However, if you do not adhere to the strict rules you may run into trouble from the Game Police. They will come to your house and delete all your save games and give you a stern talking to.

So, to set the scene you wish to buy Mario Kart DS from your high street venue.

1) Before entering the store it is custom to start sweating. The store is fully modified to help you, the heating will be on max throughout the year and little in the way of ventilation is on offer, however, it helps to start moistening outside. This is to maintain the sweet aroma of boys in the morning in all game stores. Non-compliance and you'll be seeing the gaming police.

2) You wander over to the DS section. If you see a girl in the store on the way, run. Run out as fast as you can, clearly unnatural forces are at work. If not, then peruse the DS section. By this time you should be literally sweating buckets, so much so, that you can smell your own aroma. You know that if you can smell it, then others certainly can.
ALAS! Mario Kart DS isn't there! That is because it's probably a GAME store and despite the fact the MKDS scored at least 90% in every magazine the wise "powers that be" at GAME think you should be playing the much underrated X:Men: The Official Game and Over The Hedge: The Official Game. At this point you'll be fuming! One of the greatest game series of all time! A top DS game and you can't even find one in the biggest GAME in the country!!!! Start to combat your rage by sweating more and then leave the store. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES approach the counter and ask. The staff will (pretend to? or though, maybe not) deny all knowledge of the game you desire and start shouting across the store, allowing your gaming preference to be judged by other gamers: "Leanne? Leanne? This guy's looking for (snigger) Mario Kart DS?". The bunch of chavs, who are trying to sell a stolen copy of an imported Madden '05 for more than the overly-generous £2 they are being offered, will start to laugh at your choice of game and call you Gay, or worse!. They may even stab you later. The girl who you didn't see will put down the game she had in her hand and leave. It could have been a wonderful relationship but your, by now tidal waves of perspiration, have driven her off. You should have left whilst you had your dignitiy left.

3) A new store, this time one that sells games, music and DVDs. By now your sweat may have dried and left salt stains; time to get your sweat on again! You go over to the DS section and after some intense sweating and searching you find a copy of MKDS hidden behind 40 copies of Brain Training. You grab it in your sweaty mitts and look to the cashier desk. BAD LUCK there are people queuing and due to your non gaming-only shop location, some of them are girls and non-gaming guys. If they found out about your dirty habit they will point and laught you whilst you curl into the foetal position and rock backwards and forwards in shame as they buy Ibiza Chillout 3 Summer Soundz remixed by MC Brilloinnit and DJ Mark Mark Mark McMarkison.

4) The store eventually gets quiet and no-one is queuing at the till desk. You saunter up to the till; a trail of sweat drops follows you. You plant the case on the desk and the female cashier rolls her eyes at you. She turns around to find the cartridge and book in the big drawer of games whilst chatting and laughing at you with her co-worker. She comes back to the desk and rolls her eyes at the sight of your light green-now dark green sweat drenched 1-Up t-shirt. HORROR OF HORRORS! She's picked up Mario Kart Advance instead. It takes all your strength to inform her that she got it wrong. By this time there is a puddle on the floor, a queue building and the till girl is fucking livid with you. How dare you tell her how to do her job! She turns around, opens the drawer for 2 seconds, closes it and then tells you she can't find it. You begin to get angry and upset, not to mention a bit sweatier. Your shirt is now so supersaturated that the sweat flows over the fabric like a waterfall, splashing as it hits the shiny black floor. Four hours, three cashiers, a manager and a queue of tutting 20-somethings that look like they've just come out of a vogue lifestyle shoot later, you swim out of the store and onto the bus home.

4) Despite the fact you have your DS with you UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCES start playing on the bus. Firstly, chavs will probably stab you and steal it wasting literally hours of sweat and tears. Secondly, by exposing your gaming lifestyle in the most public of places, you ruin any chances of finding a partner, job or house in your local area. Instead you have to fish into the bag, undo the cellophane with one hand, pop open the case and slide out the book. You will probably either tear or permanently fold one of the corners but such is the price to pay for being a gamer. Then very carefully, making sure that no one else on the bus, or outside, can see what you are reading peruse the book imagining the fantastic world you are about to enter. Eventually, you reach your stop; your shirt is now rigid with the salt of your own sweat. You are finding it hard to discriminate between your trousers, underwear and bottom, such is the melding power of the gallons of bodily liquids that have pooled in your crack. But at last you are home.

This is the life of the gamer, and although you’ve led a double life at least you can say, I have lived.

Inspired by Fizgig over at Women Gamers