TGAM 2007 Awards!

TGAM, Once again breaking the mold of videogame blogging. That's right. This year we decided to have an awards system for video games. You know, like the ones for books and films. We're sure this idea is likely to take off in a big way. Remember reader, you saw it here first. So, without further ado here are the awards:

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Touching

1. Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights
2. Touch Master.
3. Balls of Fury.
4. Cookie and Cream

Winner:
Resident Evil: Deadly Silence

There wasn't much choice this year. To be honest the above DS games were chosen for their titles and the hilarious link with the word "touching". But this year we're going to give Resident Evil DS the reward retrospectively for the bits where you get to touch up Jill Valentine and she covers herself and gets a bit offended. Once again Capcom shows they know their audience and Jill is all the more titilating because she doesn't just stand there and take it (cough, Leon, cough, cough)

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Menu Screen

1. Pokemon Diamond/Pearl
2. Tomb Raider: 10th Anniversary Edition
3. World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade
4. PlayStation 3

Winner:
PlayStation 3

Some very tough competition this year, with Tomb Raider returning for some spicy menu screen action. However, it was Sony's commitment to supporting a machine which, by and large, is just a menu screen that scoops this prestigious award. Such was Sony's commitment that there are plans to make the PSP menu compatible in the future for some portable menu action. Congrats.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best "White"

1. PlayStation 3
2. Wii.
3. Xbox 360.
4. Resident Evil 5 trailer.

Winner:
PlayStation 3

Scooping yet another award, the PS3 has the best whiteness going. The PlayStation 3 beat the competition to this award because despite the platform's ongoing living hell, the largest problem being there are still no decent games for it, some wiseguy at Sony still got them to make a White version. It's like having 14 different colours of inflatible dart boards. It might go with your decor but it's still fucking useless isn't it?

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Fanboy Baiting Hyped game which didn't really live up to prerelease bullshit

1. Bioshock.
2. Halo 3.
3. Assassin's Creed.
4.---------

Winner:
Assasin's Creed.

Simply put there was a lot of ranting and raving this year. Halo 3 arrived but more than lived up to expectations, despite the fact that it is still an arcade game. Bioshock was over-hyped to the max and very much this year's Oblivion for pre-release lies about in game behaviour and responsive AI. The game breaking alternate ending SPOILERS didn't help either. But Assassin's Creed takes the biscuits and the cheese this year. With a cinderella story fanbase: they came from nowhere, this game was hyped to the max, Jade Raymond is trying to sue Something Awful because she was whored out in a fashion she felt inappropriate but in the midst of all this a game came out that was not the game promised. It was shiny, it was playable but it was nothing like all those trailers that they started eeeking out what seems like 158 years ago. Assassin's Creed is now the poster child for marketing your game to fuckery whilst not worrying about glitchy horses and perhaps the worst stealth mechanic since "move into the dark dark shadows". Congrats.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Link to TGAM

1. Stupid Fucking Customers. (RIP)
2. The RAM Raider.
3. Diversion.
4. The Truth of the Peasant

Winner:
The RAMRAIDER

Very tricksy this year. SFC would have won because we started a war with them but they were very nice about it and we didn't mean it anyway. But then they went dead :( Diversion has the honour of the only other blog on the internet which did a joint post with us. Which was nice. The Truth of the Peasant also gets props even though the link has subsequently been removed (probably because we didn't link back) :( RAMRAIDER wins though because for a while we were double linked but also because we're down as Industry Links. Which, is a subtle reminder to people that we are in the industry. Word RAMRAIDER.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Troll

1. Richie!
2. GIANT ENEMY GUITAR HERO.
3. Cunzy1 1.
4. Richie.

Winner:
GIANT ENEMY GUITAR HERO.

Another hotly contended award as invariably all of the above have masqueraded as each other this year. However, the award goes to GIANT ENEMY GUITAR HERO for her persistence. Where others would have gotten bored GEGH kept on going and going much to the amusement of TGAM, at one point dragging in a few outsiders who genuinely believed there was a debate going on.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Worst Award Sham

1. That Wii Sports Strategy Sham
2. That Wii Sports Strategy Sham
3.That Wii Sports Strategy Sham
4. That Wii Sports Strategy Sham

Winner:
That Wii Sports Strategy Sham

Perhaps the most contended award this year. As the years roll on there are more and more award ceremonies for video games and they all get increasingly worse. Celebrities aren't into gaming and if they are they look stupid presenting awards. Z listers only turn up because they don't have steady jobs so they waste all day on Civ. Anyway, this year, some award ceremony (I can't even be bothered to google for it. I care that little) gave Wii Sports the award for Best Strategy Game. Ultimate shammy sham since it's not even a proper game and it requires as much strategy as opening a door or clapping in time. Congratulations!

The 2007 TGAM award for
What happened to everyone yabbering on about this game?

1. Lord of the Rings Online: Some fantasy rubbish subtitle
2. Duke Nukem Forever
3. Command and Conquer 3
4. Manhunt 2

Winner:
Lord of the Rings Online

There was a big shake up this year. We all know that the console gaming "community" are a bunch of feckless penguins jawing on about how different consoles are better than others and how Game X is a Game Y killer. They are a fickle lot of gobshites. However, this year it was the PC community's turn to play the feckless fanny. (FPS snobs aside), the very regal PC community is normally thoughtful, reserved and over 40 however, when potential WoW killer LotRO came out all the high brow blogs dissected, discussed and fawned over it like it was a precious new born baby. For about a fortnight that was. Then everyone quietly went back to WoW, a little ashamed that they'd got so excited about the "other" game in the first place. Well done LotRO:SoA!

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best way of humiliating Halo American teens over Xbox Live

1. Call them fags
2. Trash talk about their moms
3. Beat them in the game
4. Call them Canadians

Winner:
Call them Canadians

Despite what you might read, technophilic middle aged liberal women aren't the only ones who get abuse whilst playing Halo. Everyone does, especially from Southern Americans and voice-breaking teens. This neck of the woods we get shit for being "British". Thing is we don't set up a network of British only blogs to whine on and on about it. Try as you might, stooping to their level is normally ineffective but we've discovered if you keep calling them Canadian, singing the Canadian national anthem and saying 'Aboot' a lot they get hot under the collar and start to play badly and lose their 'too cool for school' slurring throw down abilities. This dis FTW!

The 2007 TGAM special award for
Women in Games

1.Cunzy1 1 for Deconstructing Weak-Ass Arguments about gaming on the Internets #48
2. Richard Cobbett for Writing A ‘Girls In Gaming’ Article
3. Richie! for DANGER: Women in Games
4. Cmdr Zorg for Sega had access to a celebrity

Winner:
Cmdr Zorg for Sega had access to a celebrity

Yes it now has it's own TGAM award it's that important. Our rantings hardly count for a nomination but we couldn't be bothered to trawl through all the shit out there to find two more worthy articles. Richard Cobbett gets a nomination because he stole my idea but made it funny and had nice pictures and was accepted with loving arms by the women gamer community, where as my babbling rants got no attention and Richie!'s caused a stir. However, Commander Zorg from Uk:Resistance wins because he is the only one on the internet who can be sexist and funny and get away with it. That and Cunzy desperately wants to have UK:R's children. I'm surprised no one has accussed us of just copying them a lot because essentially that's what we started off trying to do. Fuck it. Just read UK:Resistance from now on.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Sound effect

1. (The Patronising) Blood Elf Female Laugh. TBC.
2. Chainsaw Lancer. Gears of War.
3. Fucked-up-a-note. Guitar Hero 3
4. Hit-the-Ground-from-afar. Skate

Winner:
Blood Elf Female Laugh.

The Burning Crusade came out last February, and 11 months of that laugh and it still gets me every time. For those of you who don’t know the BElf Female Laugh starts off normally but then trails off to a condescending sigh. Further highlighting the aloof and vacuous nature of the BElfs.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Boob Physics

1. Guitar Hero 3.
2. Heavenly Sword.
3. Pokemon Diamond/Pearl.
4. Mass Effect.

Winner:
Guitar Hero 3.

Surprise Winner here, purely because we at Thatguys were pleasantly surprised to see, not only the addition of Slash, but also some much needed Jiggly Jumper Puppies. We tip our hats to the girls of Guitar hero, Judy Nails, Casey Lynch (Dead Men) and Midori. Thank you for having jubblies.

'Til next Year.

Luv N' Hugs

Richie & cunzy