Resident Evil Degeneration: A review

This weekend we got a copy of Resident Evil Degeneration, the new CGI Resident Evil film. Despite watching the first ten second trailer a hundred times we managed to stay away from any kind of exposure of the film at all. After watching it, here are out thoughts on the film and exactly where capcom got it all exactly wrong everywhere. Warning: SPOILERS, although technically there has to be a plot in order for it to be spoiled at all.

What we wanted. You may remember this post (before all the Wow gayness) about our hopes and fears for the film that takes on the most precious game in the entire world, Resident Evil 2. Here was our wishlist:

1) Will Smith cast as the face of Marvin Branagh.
2) Zombie and/or Claire tits.
3) Herbs.
4) The line "That guy's a maniac, why'd he bite me?"
5) The exact same plot as Resident Evil 2. In fact don't spend money making a whole new film just record someone playing Resident Evil 2 and stick it on DVD that would be best.
6) A cameo from Dante.
7) A reference to Okami, Viewtiful Joe or at least We love golf.
8) An explanation of those other Resident Evil films like it was all just a dream or something.
9) The nemesis fighting 104 Hunters.
10) A bonus feature with Hunk dancing to 'Umbrella'11) Taking all this stuff about SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS [Jill being dead] back.

Suffice to say none of this made the film at all. Although there were no Claire/zombie tits there is a bit at the end which is pretty titilicious. In fact, I think Capcom just used the model from Tits Mcgee in Dead Rising. Almost makes up for lack of C/Z tits but not quite. For a while it looked like the film was going to have the exact same plot as Resident Evil 2 until the film 'goes all japanese', 'jumps the shark' and is just shit. In fact here is the film in dead rising text size graph form.

The film starts off not very exciting at all with the tired old format of using fake news clips to fill in the blanks between Resident Evil 2 and 4 and present day. Then there's an airport and Claire and some kind of fake ethnic Sherry Birkin. Then umm zombies appear from nowhere. Literally, from nowhere. And then a plane full of zombies arrives. The airport gets all zombied up. Turns out Claire, fako Sherry and fako Brian Irons make it to some kind of safe room. Then ah, Leon gets sent in to rescue the survivors and is joined by newbie titsmcgee and zombie fodder Greg or Griggs or something.

Then there is some zombie shooting and the reunion of Leon and Claire (complete with the RE2 'get down' scene). The reunion is completely downplayed depsite the fact they could have had us crying tears of blood if they'd dealt with it properly. Essentially Leon kinda says "Oh hi" and that's it. Then there is some running and shooting and then you should turn the film off and pretend it was just a cutscene they forgot to put into RE2.

Unfortunately, I stuck with it. They get out of the airport and Claire, Tits, Leon, and Brian Irons meet fako Billy Birkin. Fortunately, ethnic Sherry dissapears so Claire can do more than hang around protecting her.

Then theres some talking and the T-virus and some vaccine and it turns out Brian Irons and fako Birkin are the good guys. Then there's an explosion and all the vaccine is destroyed and it turns out that it's all terrorism or something and the guy probably responsible is none other than tits' brother Curtis!

Then weirdness happens and Claire jumps in a car with fako Birkin. Leon and Tits decide to go to the Mcgee family home to find her brother despite the fact that she hasn't seen him in four years. Fortunately, the Mcgee family home seems to be quite near the airport.

Claire and Birkin go to some fako Umbrella facility which seems to be lacking in security and also quite near the airport. Birkin hits on Claire a bit, tells her they have the G-virus at new umbrella and then Claire phones Leon just as the building blows up with Claire inside and it's allegedly Curtis Mcgees' fault.

Meanwhile Leon and Tits go to chateau Mcgee to find it's been burned down by Curtis. Fortunately, despite the fire a family photo manages to escape the blaze and lay in wait in the exact spot Tits falls to her knees crying. She picks it up and gives us Curtis' utterly predictable sob story. Leon and Tits then just hang out for a bit not doing much. They then watch the airport burning until Leon gets Claire's call.

Seconds, minutes, hours or even days later Leon and Tits arrive at new Umbrella and split up to find Claire or to do something. Leon finds Claire and tells her to escape which she nearly does. In one sequence Zombies appear for no reason whatsoever outside a lift. We suspect it's so that some action happens because it's been talking a lot recently.

Tits finds her brother and for no reason anyone on this earth can work out he has injected himself with the G-virus and turns into a lanky William Birkin. The mysterious squad of troops for no reason appear from nowhere on nobody's orders and start to shoot him for no reason. Fako G-virus Billy Birkin takes most of them out before Leon turns up and kills him about a hundred times but never conclusively. Then Leon and Tits fall into some water and kiss for no reason. Meanwhile, Claire didn't escape she just went to the control room and for no reason decompresses the building, the only result being the roof goes a bit saggy.

After a million times burying him with rubble, knifing his eye-arm, blowing him up with flames and dropping him in a bottomless pit Leon and Tits finally kill fako g-virus Birkin (after the obvious brother-sister drama and the reappearence of coincidence family photo) and then Leon and Tits hold hands (mega gay and what about Claire? Disgusting).

Then they work out that non-g-virus Birkin was behind it all and using unseen detective powers they manage to find him on a cliff just as he arranges to sell the T-virus and G-virus to some guy from Ghana. Justice.

Then in the morning, Leon and Claire decide to not change clothes but Tits decideds to change into a dress to show everyone why she is called Tits. She also lets her hair down. Leon, Claire and Tits then stand on a Cliff looking at the fako new umbrella facility, complete with deflated roof and say some stuff.

Tits then flirts with Leon IN CLAIRE'S FUCKING FACE and then Leon and Claire walk off. Leon gets in a helicopter and Claire gets in a Limo with fako ethnic Sherry and fako Sherry's aunt. They don't kiss or cry they just kinda say "see you later" and it sucks. Again, could have been crying like a depressed girl with allergies in the height of summer just after her fiance left her at her whole family's funeral. Alas was not to happen.

Later we see the new new umbrella cleanup team (from Resident Evil 5) find a bit of the new fako Billy Birkin and put it in a box. Cue credits.

I wish the above description was exaggerated or made up by a bitter fanboy like myself but no. That's the film. The one consolidation is the blooper reel on the DVD but by the time you've watched the film it isn't enough to get the FEELING THAT ME AND MY MORON FRIENDS COULD HAVE WRITTEN AND SHOT A MUCH BETTER FILM THAT AT LEAST MADE SENSE IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
There is no Capcom as far as we are concerned.