That Guy’s an Agony Aunt

Today we are tacking a few questions from the games industry and its state of play (sic):

Dear Thatguys,

Everybody loves me, they all want to be like/with me. I am great, my games are great. I am a modern day Da Vinci of the games industry, My cock is so massive, marvel upon the cock of me, gaze upon its stature, admire it’s spectacle, erect a statue in it’s honour…. [Edit it goes on like this for 17 A4 sheets, front and back.]

Your Saviour,
Molyneux

Well Molyneux, not so much. All of your games suffer from mediocrity, but you don’t seem to get it. Every time you announce a game you over-hype them to the point of vomiting, in the hope that the next generation of players will buy into your elaborate Molyneux-cult like fantasy™. I could go into much more detail about the shoddy implementation of (Heads-up, compliment incoming) what is quit unique and interesting artwork. In a shallow unfriendly shell of a game (RE: Fable 2), but I wont. Because then it becomes constructive criticism, and I can’t condone what you, do to the industry, instead I shall request you stop.

P.S. Thanks for the pics, but I would say that the cock was average, though the shaving your pubes to look like dungeon keeper was just creepy, oh and was that Stephen Fry’s autograph on it?

New, innovative, never-thought-of-before, Love,
Thatguys




Dear Thatguys,

What happened?

Confused,
SEGA

You sold out, you tried too hard to be like Nintendo, your characters are one-dimensional, and you have squeezed the life out of them, the Dreamcast wasn’t that good, you have bought some crappy licences, Bayonetta is doomed to fall into the over-hyped category, finally what you have done to Sonic can never be forgiven. That is all.

Love,
ThatGuys



Dear Thatguys,

Recently we put an avatar of Kurt Cobain into a certain music game cash cow of ours, but now a lot of people are really angry, including his widow, and his former band mates. We really didn’t mean to cause any offence by this, we put a lot of love, effort and attention into recreating him. Along with this we have Johnny Cash who died much sooner, plus in a previous version of our game we had Jimi Hendrix, who admittedly had been dead longer, but there has been nowhere near as much outcry and dismay. The main thing people are complaining about is that Mr Cobain can be used as a playable character and can be lead vocalist/guitarist on other tracks in the game. Now Ms Love and the former band mates are refuting the sign-off for the image likeness and are requesting that he be “re-locked” to specific Nirvana tracks.

Yours Flying-saucers-floating-towards-you-ly
Blizzivision.

Well Blizzivision, what has happened here, is that you have trampled on the mythos surrounding a previously utilised commercial cash-cow. Post-mortem there was a huge influx of Kurt memorabilia, depicting him as a tragic artist, elevating him to somewhat of a martyr for his music. Since much of his music appealed to the angst-ridden grunge generation/alternatives, and now the emos, they have elevated him to a modern day saint. Both Mr Hendrix and Mr Cash have followers, but these followers, though no less devout, are of a different mindset.
Personally I think you should do nothing, as it would be up to the players personal preference if they wish to use him or not, as despite certain people treating him as a deity, some people may just like him (i.e. his likeness) as a character. Plus, as I’m sure your marketing department is well aware, as controversial as it may be, there is no such thing as bad press…

Love (not Courtney),
ThatGuys.


That’s it for today’s clinic Keep those letters coming… Together we can make the industry a better place to live.