Why I hate Street Fighter [Maximum Risky]

All the time, the cold lonely empty silence of the comments section and TGAM's email inbox seems to be asking me "Why if you are the official Capcom website do you never do anything on the Street Fighter series?". I'm sure that is what the silence asks of me. And if I were to answer it, my answer would be a three parter. Firstly, why do we only seem to ever write about Pokemon and Resident Evil? This is the bigger concern. Why pick out Street Fighter? Jeez. Secondly, I hate Street Fighter but it isn't because I think the fighting genre hasn't progressed at all in over a decade, it isn't because now there are stupid bars everywhere and nobody tells me what each of them mean or how to activate any of them so I just button mash until something explosiony happen and it isn't even because 'So there is this fighting tournament' has been the standard plot for fighting games since forever. Thirdly, the real reason why I hate Street Fighter is because there are no like able characters. They are all goonbods. Totally unlikeable, would not be friends with in real life idiotic posers. At least the Darkstalkers characters are deliberately a total nonsense. This may well make me an Angry Internet Man you may be thinking. There are people starving to death who have never even heard of street fighter. Starving right now. Probably already dead and all you can do with your luxurious life is get angry about some silly videogame because the characters aren't up to your expectations. This is all true but in fact it makes me angrier because now I am jealous of the starvers because at least they haven't been exposed to the clown brigade that make up the Street Fighter crew.

Ryu- Or captain generic as he is known by his pals. Boring, boring boring. Just look at him. What does he stand for? Probably goodness and being nice to people but we can all tell he is a bit of a twat. His favourite sandwiches are egg and cress. He actually prefers ready salted crisps and keeps a count of the number of beers he drinks because he doesn't want to get drunk. Probably a christian too. And he punches and kicks. How original Ryu. Punching and kicking. Zzzzzzz

Ken- as annoying as Ryu for all the same reasons and then even extra annoying because he is smug. Only smugs wear red. I also really hate the way his nose bleeds in SSFIITurbo. YOUR OWN NOSE BLOOD IS GOING INTO YOUR MOUTH KEN. Use a tissue. Or just use your PJs. They are red so your nose blood wouldn't even show up on it. You disgusting obnoxious Ryu variant.

Akuma, Dan etc.- All the fake Ryus. Different PJs and a hair cut is all that makes them different. I would also include T-Hawk in this category. Nobody cares. Akuma is emo Ryu and Dan is gay Ryu. Dan is extra annoying because he has a pony tail and also because no matter what buttons you press you always end up doing that sketch at the most inappropriate time. He is even more annoying because he is meant to be annoying but is the least annoying of the Ryu-alikes in the game.

Balrog - Can't even jump. Combo wannabe. Is probably the least dislikable because he is just unlikeable and rubbish.

M Bison Stupid name, stupid hat, stupid moves. And racist. Stupid racist head stomper. What even is a head stomp? Ridiculous. And who wears a cape anymore? Ken. Ken probably wears a cape.

Blanka What is even going on here? Did an intern design this character? Is this what Capcom think Brazilians look like? And that stupid chest hair saves Zangief from having the stupidest chest hair in games. How did he get electricity power? Learned it from the eels or maybe caught it in an electrical storm. Yes of course. Caught it from a storm.

Cammy Leotard wearing fake British girly hair camel toe memory loss.

Chun-Li Chun-Lis constant yipping when she jumps about drives me right up the wall. Also, as you'll see from the delightful images in this post Chun-Li is the nearest to a woman that most sweaty palmed deviant filth freaks will ever get. Nobody cares about her story and I don't think wearing a bra on your head has ever been fashionable.

Dhalsim-Capcom racism at it's best but because nobody in Japan or America actually believes in India it's fine.

Guile- Rubbish hair and I don't know about you but I never trust a man who does kicks when he is upside down. So inefficient. He also lisps which isn't a bad thing in itself but does start to grate when all you say is Thonic boom every two seconds.

E-Honda- Pantsu! Plus I really hate people who walk like a crab. What are they trying to prove? Crab walking up and down the place.

Sagat- Sagat reminds me most of somebodies Dad. Somebodies baldy pirate Dad embarrassing his children with those shorts. Almost the most personality free character, were it not for Ryu.

Zangief is okay actually. I don't mind Zangief. My one complaint would be that he isn't real and that there just isn't as much Zangief deviant filth as there is from slutty titti-head. This is a great shame.

So there we have it people. I understand that there are more characters than that but nobody cares. And I also don't care if it is just "one go". I'm not playing. I hate them all with a passion.