That guy's a Maniac...

As you’ll have noticed, TGAM is yet to have brought you a review of Battlefield 3. This is because, unfortunately, we didn't ask EA to give us a copy in advance of release and have never ever made any contact with them so why would they. So instead, below* is a picture of a puppy waering a unicorn. Take that RPS . *Appears above if you are a homs.

A common counter argument for those trying to interpret games, either with an agenda or without, is that they haven't played enough games to warrant their opinion being worth even contemplating. In a post which has just vanished from Kotaku (who knows it may or may not be here ) Salman Rushdie has something to say but, you know what, he hasn't played as many games as us so let us just discount everything he says. But exactly how many games does one need to play so that the gamers will listen. Here's our handy guide for when you want to say something about games but may be worried you aren't qualified enough. 0 Games- Rogert Ebgert or whoever, resides here. You ain't got nothing. You got no stock. Anything you say will cause knee flinching reactions and anywhere up to six months worth of everyone chipping in, ironically, about how you have nothing to say on the matter. 1-10 Games Alright Johnny casual? We hate to tell you but Farmville, Snake, Angry Birds, Wii Spor...

Thousand Verb to thousand ( third-person singular simple present thousands , present participle thousanding , simple past and past participle thousanded ) ( transitive ) ( Gaming ) To finish all achievements/Trophies; to make done; to reach the end of the required achievements/trophies. NB: Is not necessarily used in context of the number "one thousand", as expansions, live arcade and multiplayer achievements add/subtract form the total. You're a participle. Love and transitive hugs, Richie X

Exposed armpits confirmed in Street Fighter X Tekken.

We bitch loud and hard every time a Pokemon event comes to town. It means looking like a paedo, travelling to undesirable parts of the country and is a massive pain to lie to everyone about going to. However, despite "hating it" we did go to the Arceus (and the Mew event but that is a different tale ) event earlier this year. I only just got round to doing the special in game event, the first of two, the second I will never do because you have to have yet ANOTHER Arceus and well. My eyes have just experienced perhaps the trippiest thing I've ever seen on my DS. SPOILERS by the way if you intend to ever do this event and want to keep it secret. Against my better judgement I feel special for being allowed to see that little video first hand without cheating. Certainly better than other DLC and makes the traumatic experience of obtaining these event pokemon that little less painful. Good on you Nintendo I say, good on you! Also, props to the 'community' for taking t...

When it comes to Call of Duty, there are two types of people: People who've stuck with the series through all of the newer games, and people who haven't played a game since the original Windows version. The former have seen the series' gameplay tweaked to near-perfection since its original, less-than-balanced state (but have seen some truly odd new weapon designs), whereas the latter dig their heels in and steadfastly refuse to recognize that any Call of Duty exist beyond the original (or, in some cases, Call of Duty 3 before the Modern Warfares). Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2- a sequel to Call of Duty 4- is a game designed to bring these two people together. As far as this goal is concerned, they're a remarkable success. It feels odd to really review a Call of Duty game these days, because the core of the series remains essentially unchanged from the days of the original. As an army man in a world filled with foreigners from Eastern parts, you're given a new weapo...

Recently, we've been playing through Pikmin 2 (the wiimake) and boy it is still a great game and playing it makes us feel a little bit sad inside that a gamecube port can get us more excited than some of the latest releases. You've can't help but love the little guys and feel genuinely mortified when you see those little ghosts signalling you've just lost one. Speaking of new releases here are our reviews of all the games to come out this month: Bayonetta : Surprisingly good and out Devil-May-Crys Dante himself. Darksiders : Looks like a World of Warcraft character crossed with Devil May Cry and Prince of Persia on acid. Plays like Excalibur 2555 A.D. on poppers. Dark Void : Worse than Resident Evil 4, better than Spyborgs. Dark Ciders : Better than Strongbow, worse than Belgian beer. Dark Darkers 2 : Pretty dark considering. Darkstalkers : We wish. Mass Effect 2 : Will be as talked about and played as much as Mass Effect was for that week . MAG : As much fun as those t...

We've literally just invented microfanficcing everybody. And now after all the lies, plagiarism and law suits we're now ready to tell our story about how it all started. Richie : Well it all started when we I was excited about the Chocobo for the Xbox 360 avatars. Cunzy1 1 : Yeah. I was ridiculing him for having a light sabre, chocobo and megatron hat and being over the age of 15. Richie : That's right. Well I went on to say that the only reason I wanted the chocobo was to pretend I was Irvine from Final Fantasy 8 and get to bad touch Selphie. Cunzy1 1 : Then... oh god this sounds so bad. Then we went on to talking about Zell. I mean here is this guy in this band of merry men each with different skillz and all he can do is punch people. Richie : He doesn't even have a dog. Cunzy1 1 : Exactly and then I asked Richie what he called Angelo because I called Angelo 'bitch' so Rinoa's limit break was Bitch Strike and Bitch Rush. Then Richie fan ficked the Bitch n...

The other day we were reading the TGAM archives and laughing out loud at ourselves. Out loud. That’s pretty wrong no? But it was when we were reading the TGAM archives that we realised that WE ARE FUCKING GAMING CELEBRITIES! Yes folks, without actually knowing it we went from mediocrity to gaming celebrity stardom. Like that news about the goose that levelled up and became a swan that time. Here is the story about how we discovered we were celebrities (this will probably be in our second autobiography when we publish our book now we are gaming celebrities). We got a link on Kotaku once and not one of those news stealing links a proper link for creating something unique. Our best friend totally met Pentadact , secretly James secretely Tom at University. He even emailed him to check and Tom emailed back. What a nice chap. We insult Richard Cobbett on a regular basis and he doesn’t even hate us. We interviewed that photographer who did the Devil May Cry shoot for Front magazine. We are...

NB: Some things aren't good enough for that other site we occassionally write for . And then sometimes we forget we've some stuff that doesn't get published and then it becomes out of date and then we post it here. Here is one such fine post. You may all be delighted to have heard of the recent appointment of Carol Ann Duffy as the first female, first Scot and first openly bisexual person to become the poet laureate of the United States of the Kingdom of the UK. Congrats to Carol. Good job. But what does a poet laureate actually do you may ask? Aside from being a staple answer to a pub quiz question (and with three firsts Carol Ann Duffy will be the answer to trivial pursuit questions for many many years to come) a poet laureate composes poetry for state events as well as being a spokesperson for poetry. To disseminate its worth and to kindle the eternal flame of poetry at all costs. After all, there are few forms of media that will help you to get laid, 'I directed...

Gaming is trying hard to be mainstream, even though it already is but not in the way many gamers gamers can appreciate because they are too busy grinding and cyberring to spend enough time in the real world. A world without elves and muscle men and barrels and princesses and invisible walls. One thing that might help the deluded to believe that gaming is more mainstream is if we create some Gaming Celebrities. That way we join the common woman by slating off how fat, ugly, beautiful, stylish, hideous and underweight our favourite gaming people are and we can OMG to our hearts delights every time Jeff Minter takes a crap and it makes headlines. Our part in all this is to interview the top 100 gaming celebrities pushing them from blogosphere obscurity to the heady heights of celebrity and maybe see them take part in ice skating, ballroom dancing and orgies-on-islands television programmes like real celebrities do. This is not Leigh Alexander. We emailed over 500 gaming celebs and...

HA, this isn't really an update, but more of or crazy conspiracy theory that Kotaku may be "the man" and he is keeping thatguys down, mainly through subliminal hits and Machiavellian conduct. But also sapping and impurifying the precious bloggily fluids with their fluidic and readable posts. It goes all the way back to Jesus, man! 'Kotaku' in Sanskrit means nothing more than "wanks over graphical representations of girls/boys with exaggerated eyes and which have possible insinuations that they are not of age of consent". And of course any layman can see this is synonymous with the church, which in-turn are synonymous with the fabled Illuminatti. The Illuminati...blah, blah, blah... Dan Brown is Brian Crecente...blah, blah, blah...Moses was the original top-ten list Blogger...blah, blah, blah...4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42...blah, blah, blah, yakity, smakity...Is nothing more than biased media dictating what we should and shouldn't like. That aside, yet a...

It's Monday okay! Much easier to bash out a dirty top ten than it is to do any actual thinking. Here are our top ten characters to get you 'there' if your current humpee ain't doing it no more. 1) Q Bert 2) Merchant from RE4 3) Zangief 4) Lickitung 5) Ms Pac Man 6) Aeris (dead). 7) Zelda as Sheik. 8) That tranny from Neir. 9) The gorilla dude, above, from Alex Kidd when he loses a game of paper, scissors, stone (and also his undies) 10) Murdered maidens in Tenchu. All of these are tried and tested winners according to our girlfriend.

Total.

Yes you are aren't you? If you are the three people that came here yesterday looking for "soul calibur xxx" you probably want to go here or here . If you are the people desperate to find the "devil may cry 4 front mag" stuff you should go here . For the person looking for jay haffling, presumably Jay himself, go here . For the sicko who was looking for people with viagra naked, I would refine your search a bit first and the sad soul looking for porn guy blogger, we presume you didn't find them here. Disappointing people, disappointing. Where is the imagination? Where are the searches for Guy Cocker or Naked Bif ? We've got baby death and all kind of things to put into any orifice of choice . Boobs you want boobs? We got boobs in various flavours, WoW , Resident Evil Underboob (neathage) to mention but a mere few. We got spluff the biscuit going on too. You're not even googling terms like Red & White Bum Marmite and Green and bloody douche ...