That guy's a Maniac...

Having historically shown but a half-arsed interest in video game development and support to date it's interesting to see that both Google and Apple have recently announced half-arsed plans to continue. In the Red Corner we have Google Stadia. A website which...YouTubers...terraflops at 60 fps which is technically very impressive. In the Blue Corner Apple have announced Apple Arcade which will...games...apps... so expect to see that in coffee shops all over the world! The pixellated elephant in the room however is WHAT VIDEO GAMES ARE WE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT? The administrators and system designers have spent so long on the beanbags in the flexible working open plan offices, they forgot to tell us the key part of these boring projects. Fortunately, dear readers, we have the ultimate inside source, it's Alcamoth Citizen reporting from inside Xenoblade Chronicles and she has EXCLUSIVE news on the games to share. This, her first report from the stream cloud piss:    

Dear Snowflakes, What is your fucking problem, pie and mash not good enough for you, why don’t you go and have a word with yourself before I anti-vax your Pain au Chocolat! Yeah that’s right jog on before you do yourself a culturally appropriated mischief, innit. You think the fucking King of all Cosmos is watching the latest fucking lecture from Dr Who on woke culture? Nah m8, he’s putting his boys out on the front line, gettin ‘em learning the family trade and any of you muggy cunts out there sipping on gender fluid organic cruelty free soy lattes, who are not doing the same should be ordered to ring the parents of a soldier who has died serving their country in Afghanistan and tell them their reasons. Brexit means Brexit! Imperial measurements, blue passports, mothers pride bread and tesco value beans, top of the pops and rehashes of games from 2004. Fuck the 350 million to the NHS, I’ll give £16.99 of my hard earned for that privilege! Just the price of a pint of milk in

Like most people with a steam account, I buy things on a whim... I have around 150 games in my steam library and still complain that, I have nothing to play... One such of these whim-bought games is Freedom Force . I, at the risk of being one those dicks who say, "OMG this movie came out X years ago, doesn't that make you feel so old!", remember this game fondly when it came out. It wasn't Marvel or DC but it was a comic book style (even though I do not read comic books) game. I remember it being pimped to me as Diablo 2 with Superheroes, even though it is not a hack and slash, nor features any loot whatsoever. I do remember spending until the wee hours customizing and clicking on these copyright infringing polygony superheroes. So I bought it and loaded it up again, well I say "Loaded up" as with any game on Steam, more than a few days old there is always a bit of jiggery-pokery to make it work, so let me rephrase: So I bought it, clicked pla

Is a great little (well, big actually) book compiled by the usual suspects (I wonder if the guys from ONM ever wonder why they never ever get asked to contribute to anything like this?). Put simply, this book lists 1001 video games you must play before you die. It is of course obligatory to now go through and list the shocking omissions and where they chose the wrong games but it is a very well balanced selection. Normally lists like this tend to neglect recent games but there's a good spread of games throughout time and space. There are 1001 of them though. How many have we played? Well I've played 155 of them. There's some odd choices but I don't envy making the selection. For example, which Street Fighter games make the list and which don't? Also, if you were to take the premise of this book very seriously and only had months to live must you really play both Advance Wars and Advance Wars Dual Strike? The book isn't without its errors don'tcha know? After

We've finally got around to picking up a copy of the reasonably acclaimed De Blob for our Nintendo Wii. We have played the first couple of levels and out current analysis is: JOY. The sound, the colour, THE PURE HAPPY JOY. We're only three levels in; we hope that the Inkies don't suddenly turn into SUPER GENET(/R)IC MUTANT SOLDIERS or the game dramatically turns into a flight sim half way through because it's only a fundamental game change of that order that has the potential to ruin the rest of the game. It is a happy and pretty game and this cutscene might rank as one of our favourite game cutscenes of all time (well okay second to sexing a dead man ). The one we're on about is 2.28 in the video below, the favourite cutscene not the necrophilia one which can be found here . A lot of writers have been going on about the problem with ubiquitous violence in video games but a quick glance at the games shelf and Zack and Wiki, Another Code: Rubbish, De Bl

I could list all the reasons as to why this video is the full spectrum of wrong, but including that as post content would lead to some rather debatable hits from google. Just no. Richie :(

From the Graudian Gameswipe With Charlie Brooker 10pm BBC4 Following in the footsteps of Screenwipe, Charlie Brooker's new show- you guessed it- aims its remote at the world of videogames. Whether you're a gamer hater or lover, Gameswipe- part of the Electric Revolution season on BBC4- shows how games can be just as dumb or brilliant as TV and movies. And Charlie certainly knows what he's talking about, having spent his early career causing mayhem at PC Zone. Graham Lineham, Dara O'Brian and Dom Joly are on hand to join in the pixellated fun. Thoughts on the bit from the Guardian: 1) TV and Movie envy :( 2) Gamer hater or lover? Surely this should be game hater or lover? Who loves gamers? 3) Would have left out the bit about PC Zone, most people think that is a shop where you buy printers. 4) With the exception of Graham Linehan funny men from elsewhere on TV have no place here. 5) Videogame rather than video game? Controversial. 6) Forgot to mention the guys from Video

'Free lads' have been arrested for mimicking drive-bys using a 'PlayStation Gun'. The beeb knows the score . "The gun was found to be a silver plastic PlayStation gun. " Shoddy reporting from the beeb. Was it a G-con? A G-con 2? G-con 3? Or was it a MadCatz pile of shit? Either way the boys should sue Sony because there is fuck all you can do with a PlayStation light gun these days so what other option do kids have after purchasing expensive peripherals that are in no way supported by new platforms. In unrelated news: Here is a list of light gun games for the PlayStation and PlayStation 2 you cannot play on the PS3. Area 51 (Justifier) Crypt Killer (Justifier) Die Hard Trilogy (Justifier) Die Hard Trilogy 2: Viva Las Vegas (Justifier/Guncon) Elemental Gearbolt (Justifier/GunCon) Extreme Ghostbusters: Ultimate Invasion (GunCon) Ghoul Panic (GunCon) Gunfighter: The Legend of Jesse James (GunCon) Judge Dredd (GunCon) Lethal Enforcers 1&2 (Justifier

So it’s been a while since we last decided to tackle the ongoing issue of the fairer sex grasping at the Joystick of the games industry and giving it a good old tug . Last time we touched on this subject we talked about the industries efforts to entice the female market, the vacant “hotties” keeping the guys interested in the industry, and most importantly painstakingly rendered, gorgeously rendered 3D boobies. Almost two years have passed since that last post, has the industry changed? Well it was this article , brought to my attention by Kotaku , which flared my dismay at the industry/humanity. It reads like an open letter to the gaming community proclaiming that girl gamers should be taken down from their pedestal, claiming that an entire gender is still having a hard time in the industry/gaming because of horny adolescent boys. I'm afraid that I have to go out on an attack on Dairuka, and perhaps TGN, this entire post was clearly written by a cuckolded-pantsu-sniffer

We're fans here of the one man project which despite being an overwhelmingly fan pleasing endeavour and entirely violence oriented manages to put most modern games and the whole of Hollywood to shame including blockbuster movies featuring transforming robots with million dollar budgets and fight scenes which are made by putting a kettle, two forks and a sieve into a washing machine, setting it on spin and filming it. This one guy, with less time, staff, money, technology and cocaine does better. By a million. I would happily pay full price for Dead Fantasy I-V on DVD than Resident Evil Shitgeneration, those awful other Resident Evil Films and Advent Children put together. And who needs a storyline? Buy a fucking book if you want stories. Pricks. Anyway Dead Fantasy IV, V and VI are kinda up on the net. But we're not going to post a link here until Monty Oum himself uploads the full versions any day now....