That guy's a Maniac...

You know what guys, I’m not gonna pretend like you haven read a million genuine articles, fan reviews or perused some shouty American youtube channel, about how much of a success Smash Bros is! By now if you have any interest in Smash, you will have played it, and you will know that it is good. Our option should not hold any weight as to whether you would like to play this or not, if it does hold some sway, please reassess your priorities/life. So in aging sardonic fashion I would like to accost you with my almost unjustifiable nitpicks, so get your eyeballs round this! Vault Major gripe number 1, On the main menu the Vault is inexplicably unselectable without first missing it entirely and either selecting the two surrounding menus or worse, opening the right accordion navigation bar, nothing is more fun! Touch screen We are all clear and aware that the switch screen has touch capabilities, but instead of utilising this you are given an actual hand/f...

A new Steel Battalion we can actually play AMAZING! Oh requires Kinect BALLS. Still it means we don't have to buy a new piece of plastic for the ever growing pile of peripherals AMAZING. Fist bumping? BALLS. Seriously, fucking fist bumping? BALLS. Is this what it takes for the 'hardcore' to accept the Kinect? BALLS Fist-Bumping? BALLS. FistbumpingBALLS. Fistbumpballs. Fistballs. Fialls. FIALS.

Occasionally we stub out our crack pipe (hard but do-able), log off the forums and give up our angry Internet man jig to don a smocking jacket , pour ourselves a Malibu and read a book like in the olden times. This weekend we donned three smoking jackets, poured ourselves three Malibus and finished reading three books. Our English teacher will be so happy with us.  First up is Jacked The Unauthorised Behind-The-Scenes Story of Grand Theft Auto which makes us feel ignorant about the history of video games in the same way that Replay A History of Video Games highlights how ignorant many games 'journalists' are . Yeah we loved Lemmings and knew that DMA made GTA but we didn't know that they were Scottish. Shame on us. The book is a good read. The first thing it made us do is want to play GTA again. Five hours later we picked the book up again and cringed over how gushy Kushner can be sometimes. But I guess that's the deal when you are writing an unofficial biograp...

We love shit like this. The "way too much time on their hands" ness of it, the elaborate set up, hundreds of opportunities for cock ups and a seven year wait. THIS is hardcore. And thank god (punctuation aside) someone has the sense to make a video that's understandable.

Do we go: Pretentious Wanker and choose the most obscure flash game, that essentially recreates one alrightish mini-game from an Amiga game once? Nearer the truth but Crass and choose CoD? Back to our roots and choose a Wii game that we might be able to play with another normal human being and not get embarrassed because tits/violence-that-adolescents-find-amusing comes up and undermines all that envangelising about how games are worthy or wider appreciation? Democratic and just say WoW? Completely wrong and say Alan Wake? Like a proper fucking man and say Gran Turismo 5? Full retard and say some iOS game? Or with our heart and say Monster Hunter Tri? Decisions decisions.

Perhaps it is because they couldn't get it off steam? Or maybe because they had to actually watch TV and they haven't done that for ages. Rock Paper Shotgun summed the show up pretty well. Richard Cobbett continues to look like David Mitchell. But if there is anything the men, who have mostly had marginal success writing for dying magazines and a niche following on the old blogosphere (RICH, SO RICH COMING FROM US), have said that makes sense is that the show felt very cobbled together because it was trying to do justice to the whole of gaming kind in a single show. And for an audience wider than the gamer gamers (see pie chart, the red slice). It could easily be a 420 part series but then who would watch it? Gamers think they know it all. The average TV watcher probably doesn't give a shit. Then again the same demographic expressing dissapointment at Gameswipe are the same people who regularly bemoan TV for being totally shit. So you can't have it both wa...

falahda 10 Aug 09, 1:17am A thirty-eight year old Nintendo player can't really claim the high ground from which to criticize lightsaber phones, Charlton. From over on the Guardian website. It explains itself really. And she is an Anthropologist. And 37. And female. And American.

So, Milo, where's you Mommy Milo? She's dead Milo. Died of the bad AIDS. You gonna cry? Oh you can't because you haven't been scripted to. Here's a picture of a wang Milo. Do you like it? Here's a picture of a swastika Milo. Do you like that? We're going to play a game now Milo. But you can't tell anyone about it.... Achievement Unlocked: Do a "Peter Molyneux".